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| So it most certainly has been quite awhile since the last time I bothered to update this thing. Needless to say a lot has happened, and I don't intend on putting it all here right now. It's too late, and really I should be heading to bed as it is. I don't know what inspired me to venture back to xanga after so long. I had to search my email to figure out my user name. I also don't know what has inspired me to update. I can't say I have anything very worthwhile to post here.
I wish I could say how fantastic life has been, but I've never been one to lie in my own journaling. Quite frankly I think things suck, and I don't really know what to do about it. I hate my job, and I am running out of ways to make a change in life quickly. I've been seriously pondering running away to work on a cruise ship, and the only two reasons I have not done that are ballroom dancing and my cat. I can tell you though, if a change for me here doesn't occur soon than I may very well be doing such a thing.
The biggest issue in my life right now would have to be my job. It sure doesn't pay enough, and I honestly can't stand it. It's enough to make me go mad. I don't know how much longer I can take it, and no I'm not being over dramatic. Don't tell me that things are rough now and I should be happy I have a job. I am thankful for the paycheck, but answer me this: Why the hell did I go to school? For this life? I'm thankful for the paycheck, but this is not at all what I expected life to be like. I'm fed up with people reminding me of how awful the economy is, do you think I don't realize this? But really, hearing about how bad other people have it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm running out of patience, ideas, and sanity. I want to be excited about waking up and taking a breath of air in the morning. I'm sick of dreading it.
Yes I am a black cloud right now, get over it. You chose to read this, I didn't make you.
Yes I'm negative. You can get over that to. And I really don't want any comforting words from you. Don't tell me it's just a phase, or things will get better. Quite frankly there is very little many people can do, so simply don't try, it will only make me more angry.
Hopefully the next time I wander across my Xanga page I have something a little more upbeat to say.
Until then, I hope life is treating you far better than I.
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| It’s amazing how many feelings life can go through in such a
short period of time. It’s amazing how
there is always a piece of music to fully explain it...and even more amazing
that one piece can represent so many feelings.
The piano that represents the sweet taste of victory and the bitter
taste from tears of pain. The violin
that can represent beauty, and longing. It’s
losing yourself in someone’s arms, even if it’s just for a short time. It’s something to hold onto, something left
to trust. It’s taking whoever will watch
on a journey, narrated by music and told by body movements. It’s laying it all out for anyone to see, be
it 25,000 people, or just a white and red wall.
It’s chasing normalcy for so many years only to realize that you’ll
never reach it, nor do you really want to.
It’s the cymbal crash that can open the floodgates, and the triplet 6/8
rhythm that can tell it better than words.
It’s not wanting to settle for safe.
It’s not caring about what society says to care about. It’s a feeling of freedom, and a strong wave
of passion. It’s mistakes you have made
before, and mistakes you will make again.
It’s the little things you want to hold close, keep to yourself. It’s the things people say that weren’t
thought out before they entered air. It’s
the feelings that some just can’t keep hidden forever. It’s falling down, and getting up again. It’s the people who help you, and the times
you do it alone. It’s not being what
someone wants you to be, but being yourself.
It’s doing the right thing at that moment, even if it’s the wrong thing
in the end. It’s the strange thought
that you can take someone to their breaking point, or you can pull them out of
it, and you may never even know it. It’s
the beauty of the stars in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the
night. It’s the beauty so many often
overlook, tucked away in places people don’t bother to search. It’s understanding the next person isn’t the same
as you, and accepting that. It’s taking a
moment to take away everyone and everything and look at what is left. You. It’s
never losing sight of that.
It’s about following your heart, and no one elses. | | |
| My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
And even if i could it'd all be grey,
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
It's not so bad.
It's such a crazy time. 46 days away from graduation. It's so easy to be so excited about it, and it was so easy to just say what I wanted to do when I graduated. It was easy six months ago to say I'm moving to Michigan for a year, then I'm going to go to law school. Now it's closer. Am I moving, yes, but it's so much easier to talk about it then to make it happen. Quite honestly, I'm scared. I have to be a real person. No more comfort zone of school. The perfect picture can never be painted. You just have to look at it and make the best of it, you have to roll with the waves. I really have no idea where I will be in a few months, much less a year. The only thing I know for sure is it's going to be a wild ride...it always is. I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
That I might not last the day
And then you call me, and it's not so bad,
It's not so bad and
Now for the kicker. I have four more weekends of guard. This weekend is rehearsal, then Tampa, then FFCC championships, and then Dayton. It's so easy to say now that after this season I'll be done. That I need to let myself heal, and I need to worry about law school, and blah blah blah. And then I go to rehearsal, and I perform my show (whether in rehearsal or a performance) and it reminds me of the passion I have for these performing arts I have devoted my life to. It takes my breath away. I have fallen in love with guard, I'm not ready to walk away from that yet. I want another year, another show to learn, another journey to take anyone who chooses to watch on. Sometimes I feel like my life is a constant battle between my right brain and my left brain. I love the law, and I really do want to go to law school and pursue that, but I also want to perform. My passions could barely be further apart, and it tears me up inside. I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life
I'm just not ready to let go. I don't know if I ever will be.
Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and
But there really is so much out there. I'm not one to just walk away
from the many opportunities. Every time a door closes another one
opens, sometimes they are just hard to find, but they are there. Until then I have four more weeks to savor every second, and give you a performance to remember.
I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life
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| It is raining outside. I am way early for class, as it usually happens. I'm exhausted. I don't know what it is about this week, but I have yet to have a day that I feel rested and awake. I've been getting sleep. The weekend in Nashville was tiring, but I thought I would have recovered from it by now.
School is not stressful at all this week. I had a little test on Tuesday, and I feel pretty good about it. I have no major assignments due in the near future, although midterms are coming up. I suppose that is something I should work on, midterms. But it's been nice to have a little time to breathe.
I get to go see Casting Crowns tonight!!! I'm super excited. Last year when they came I was out of town for a regional.
My sister takes the bar next week in Michigan. I'm really nervous for her, it's such a big test. I'll be praying for her, you should too.
Things are never perfect, there are always things in life that could really pull you down if you allow it, but right now I'd have to say I'm content.
It's crazy to think that in a few months I will no longer be an undergraduate student. I'm so excited about graduation, but at the same time it's a scary thought. It's scary to think that a whole new chapter of life is going to begin, and it's scary to be so unsure of what it will be like. It was much easier to say a few months ago "oh I'll be moving to Michigan in August." Now it's a little harder, it's closer, it's more real, and the logistics of making it happen are showing themselves. I will be moving, not 100% positive it will be in August, but I intend to go to law school (in fall of 09) somewhere north of here. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. It will be exciting though.
Well I'm off to pay attention in class, or at least try to do so without dreaming of my bed too much.
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| I got to watch a jury trial last week. I found it quite interesting. The defendant however I'm sure did not. He will be spending the rest of his life in prison. I learned a lot from watching the trial, I also realized how fragile this occupation is. You truly can end someone's life, but then again, they are the ones to do something to put them in that position. The actions of people on this planet never cease to amaze me.
Senioritis hit me like a train this week. I'm ready for the next chapter in my life. Part of me just wants to stop caring, but I also just can't do that. I can think it though.
It's crazy to think in a few weeks (by a few I mean about 12) things are really going to start changing. Somehow the closer we get to graduation the thought that I really will be moving becomes more real, and a little bit more scary as well.
Craziness!
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